The Boosh Book Of Fairy Tales
by Concrete Chicken
Summary: It's like the brothers grimm only booshier don't expect any slash action or Howard/Vince but there's always an if. So far it's Cinderella and Emperor's New Clothes The Tortoise and The Hare NEW part 1. Have fun and review
1. Moonerella part 1

**(DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, I don't own the characters the plot not even the costumes (although I wish I did) however I was the one who bothered to write it all down so I guess I win) **

_Welcome to The Boosh Book of Fairy tales, we all know how the story goes but for those who don't want to read the original read the Booshiest and the Best…iest. We start with an obvious and a classic choice Cinderella (I know it lacks originality but lay off) anyway enjoy _

**Moonerella Part 1**

Once upon a time….

Howard was tired, so very very tired in the past 12 hours everything terrible has happened and all he wanted to do was to go into a Jazz trance and then possibly go to the pub but no. He had so many things he had to deal with; Vince had twisted his ankle from running in too tight drainpipes and too high heels, Bollo and Naboo had gone crazy on a lad's night with the shaman council so they were so magically and spiritually hung over, Bob had decided that he would be Vince's nurse which meant every five minutes Vince would cry for help and to top it all off the shop was so busy because everyone was queuing to see Lester the magical head (he wasn't by the way). So Howard was run off his feet serving everyone. For example…

"Is your ankle better Vincey? Maybe if I gave you a foot rub it might help,"

"HOWARD!"

"Shut up Vince Bollo no feel good Bollo,"

"If you say I gotta bad feeling about this one more time Bollo, I will have to turn my back on you, Howard where's my tea?"

"Well it all happened when a Honky Shaman cut my head clean off my beautiful black body…"

"Does that feel better?"

"HOWARD! HELP ME!"

"Ugh where Bollo inhaler? Howard?"

"Howard I said no sugar I need a black one make me another one,"

"And then when I was lying on the lawn I heard a groany man say…"

And so on. Howard was panting and sweating, he didn't have any time for himself any more stationary village had been left unattended for nearly a week and those pencils don't colour-coordinate themselves. He even thought he saw a customer play with the paperclips, he could have died.

3 o'clock the shop was finally empty, Vince had limped his way down the stairs and heaved himself onto the counter next to Howard who was clinging to his tea like a frightened tiger.

"Alright?" Vince said cautiously

"No, I have had no sleep since we came back from the doctor and I-" They both stopped and stared at the woman who had just walked in, she was glammed up to the seventies it was like the lord Ziggy himself had just walked into their tiny pathetic shop. Vince had to stop himself from throwing himself onto the floor and saying "we are not worthy," The woman practically had lights and dramatic music everywhere she went, Howard was captivated but she took no notice of him she waltzed up to Vince and handed him an invitation and then waltzed back out.

"Wow" Vince was reading it

"What?" Howard was glancing over his shoulder

"There's going to be this fantastic party at The Velvet Onion tonight, everyone who's anyone is invited and it's a 1970's masked ball imagine that, I got to tell Leroy about this he's gonna love this," He reached for his mobile "Yeah Leroy it's me yeah have you gotten an invite? Yeah! It's gonna be awesome" He limped off with great difficulty because he still insisted on wearing his boots instead of those rubbish orthopaedic ones. Naboo and Bollo came down the stairs

"Should we go? I mean I can get a hangover cure from Tony,"

"Bollo got a bad feeling about that,"

"Yeah you're right," They walked out the door without even noticing Howard was there. Bob raced down the stairs

"Hey Moon where's Vincey? I need an outfit for the party I would ask you but your not going are you?"

"What but I don't…" Howard was hurt

"It said everyone who's anyone and that obviously excludes you oh there he is VINCEY!" Vince turned around and screamed at the fat man running towards him like a horny grey thing? You know the one.

Howard took it in his stride, he sat on his stool and told himself that Monsoon Moon doesn't need to party no sir, that beautiful girl was only just another one that got away… there's a reason he's called Monsoon Moon and it's because when he cries good god does he cry. He sat there for a good hour everyone just left without him. Naboo and Bollo went to all the other Shamen to cure the hangover they were all sharing and Bob carried Vince to Leroy's so they could get ready together.

Howard was on his own when he saw a big bright light it just got brighter and brighter until Howard thought he had gone blind.

"Hello Howard"

"Oh god not you," there in all his glory was the green tutu wearing scaly man fish the worst man fish that Howard had the misfortune of coming across.

"I'm Old Gregg,"

"Please don't I'm not in the mood,"

"You treat me like dirt Howard, you put me in a wheelbarrow you say you love me but then you steal my pet Funk and leave me," Gregg was strutting around looking at all the things in the shop

"Yeah I know Gregory and I'm sorry now go awa-,"

"No you're not," Gregg interrupted "I know this because I know you,"

"No you don't"

"Yes I do we had all those times together the boat times don't you think I know something about you by now Howard? I know you want to go to that ball,"

"Well you can know all you like it's not going to help me,"

"I've moved on from watercolours,"

"Good for you Gregory,"

"I do magic now," there was a pause; Gregg smiled at Howard as he pulled out a wand which looked like it was a cheap toy from Woollies. "I'm Old Gregg,"

"What kind of magic?" Howard finally said.

"The kind you want, I can get you a dress a car and a driver."

"O.k. what do you want from me?"

"That's a question you don't want me to answer, but I will I need a head, 10 cans of spray paint, a bottle of baileys, a cardboard box and a kiss," while Gregg was saying the list Howard was rushing about the shop collecting all the things Gregg needed until he said the last one. He stopped and thought about it and grabbed Lester

"Ow what are you doing honky,"

"Pucker up Lester," Howard thrusted Lester onto Greggs lips much to the dismay of everyone involved (except for Lester)

"Oh hello Christmas,"

"Shut up Lester, There happy?" He went back to searching he found the baileys and gave it to Gregg who took it and strutted up to the counter and made himself at home.

"You can play hard to get Howard but I will get you in the end,"

"Empty words," Howard was mildly flirting with him but this was the most amount of action he'd seen in weeks the party was ages ago (well at least a week) "there 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 cans of spray paint and a cardboard box I thought you would make it challenging Gregory,"

"It hasn't even begun, alright stand there," Howard moved, closed his eyes and hoped for the best. Gregg motioned with his wand and Howard's clothes fell off, leaving him in his boxers and socks. Gregg managed to burst the cans with a flick of his wand and he paint became material wrapping itself around him some became glitter and sequins gluing itself on the fabric and around his eyes making a mask for him. And he had the most amazing high heeled boots with jewels all over them. Gregg completely redid Howard's hair and got rid of the mocha stain. In the end he looked better than Johnny Thunders but not as good as Ziggy. Gregg then moved the box onto the road and it became a mustang covered in purple glitter, Lester all of a sudden became a 70's bouncer which he would have been very happy about if he liked the 70's. When he finished Gregg looked at Howard "Yes sir… thank you sir"

"I look amazing"

"Do you like it?"

"Where did you learn how to-"

"Shush now fuzzy little man peach you have until midnight or else everyone will see you gorgeous pink fleshy body don't worry about the blind man the car's in auto drive goodbye," They walked to the glammobile Lester (after being told what exactly was going on) raced to the front seat.

"Thanks Gregg and I really am sorry you know,"

"No you're not Howard," He pushed Howard into the car "I'm Old Gregg," he shouted and disappeared in a big white light. Howard knew he wouldn't be seeing the last of him and that scared him.


	2. Moonerella part 2

**(None of its mine I have to say this or the lawyers will get excited and then they'll wet the floor and I am deffo not cleaning that up)**

_Howard made it with the help of Old Gregg _

By the time Howard got there everyone was already there, Vince managed to get a flying wheelchair at the last minute and he completely forgot about the masked bit, Bob was his self-appointed slave for the night which would explain the bondage and the bikini. The Shamen were at the back of the room with sunnies on their cure was a complete failure except for Tony he was getting completely knackered, the glam rock girl looked bored sitting on a throne made out of glitter, legendary but bored. Bainbridge was in the corner brewing over Bob betraying him, The Hitcher was DJ-ing and much to everyone's surprise he put a mask over his Polo.

But the minute Howard entered the room he was completely unrecognizable he didn't do a big dramatic entrance, he thought he entered the room at a quiet moment which was his problem ideally he should have entered at a loud moment. All eyes were on him, he curtsied for some weird reason he wasn't entirely sure why it was so out of character for him. Everyone went back to their own thing, Vince flew up to Howard

"Hey I haven't seen you before who are you because you look genius,"

"It's me-"

"Not as good as me though I look fantastic don't you think?" Howard forgot how much of a chatterbox Vince was with strangers.

"Well I-"

"Oh thanks but she doesn't seem to think so," he pointed in the direction of the glam rock girl "I tried talking to her twice but she just ignored me, imagine that! Vince Noir getting ignored! Never would have believed it, Thank god Howard didn't see it; it would have ruined my ladies' man image I've got going on with him. Not that I just like-"

"VINCEY!"

"Arghh gotta go" he flew off to the other side of the nightclub with Bob racing after him. Yes thank god I wasn't around to see it Howard thought to himself. He turned around to see the glam rock girl

"Hi," She had a lovely voice

"Hi,"

"You look fabulous," she admired the outfit "Oh I don't remember inviting you it's Nancy by the way," she held her hand out

"Err," he couldn't give her his real name he thought about it when Vince accidently knocked them over with the wheelchair escaping from the clutches of Bob. She laughed, he laughed good start Moon.

"Who was that?" Nancy said as they were getting back up, the bow on her headband had untied itself.

"Oh just a poor simpleton being chased by a…" he failed to come up with a word to describe Bob "Here let me," He fixed the bow she was having trouble with she smiled. An awkward silence filled the air, they weren't quite sure what to do around each other Howard thought it was sexual tension we're not sure if she did. Howard was just about to start his big Jazz Musicians of the 1930's speech when a slow song came on the system

"Do you wanna dance?" Nancy said she gestured at all the couples dance together

"Sure," They danced the night away Howard didn't even bust out a funky jazz move which amazed him he was having the time of his life. Vince was glaring seething with jealousy he was the confuser everyone was attracted to him so why did the glam rock girl, the girl of his dreams, (well would have been if he wasn't distracted by his dream sequinned army boots) like this random nobody.

"We have now reached Midnight," The Hitcher said over the speaker "Well my fob watch is a bit fast, faster than a dagger," he rambled on. Howard remembered what Old Gregg had said

"You have until midnight or else everyone will see you gorgeous pink fleshy body,"

"I got to go," he pulled away from the dance leaving a very confused Nancy

"What are you talking about? No-one's leaving yet, come on stay be cool," Nancy was a little tipsy but nether the less she was still Howard's perfect girl and that was what mattered to him."

"Err no I can't be cool actually I really have to go," He started walking to the entrance Nancy was following him so he started moving a bit faster

"Where are you going?" She yelled at him, they were running now well as fast as you can run in jewel encrusted shoes with the extra high heel (it was probably only a few centimetres but that's higher than Howard was used to). When he thought he had the lead he unzipped the shoes and threw them on the ground; the magic was already starting to fade away, his multi-coloured cape was fading fast. He legged it all the way home not even daring to look back to see if she was following him.

She wasn't she had tripped but wasn't badly hurt. She saw the shoes and held them for dear life, she was determined to find the owner of these boots. "I didn't even get his name," she bowed her head and shed a tear.

Howard was staring at the ceiling in her bed the clock said it was four o'clock in the morning, he was expecting Vince to run in here any minute complain about the ball-bag in the jewel boots. As if on cue

"You would not believe this but at the party there was someone I didn't know imagine that," He had barged in the room, yet still limping (only Vince could do that), and turned on the lights and carefully prised off his boots "He had a bigger entrance than me he waltzed in there and curtsied! I would have ever had thought of that,"

"I'm sure you would have eventually," Howard just wanted to go to sleep he had been through this in fact he was even there.

"I tried talking to him I even pointed out the girl I was getting off with, I was really getting in with her she was digging my vibe," Vince said Howard was biting his tongue

"Go to sleep little man I've got four hung over people to deal with tomorrow,"

"Alright, Night Howard," He limped into the bathroom and was never seen again.

Well not until Howard got out of bed, he went to shape his moustache and then he realised he didn't have one anymore his hair had lost all its magic and was back to normal, he felt a little naked without the moustache his mocha stain. He went to leave and fell with a clunk on top of Vince

"What you doing?" Vince mumbled. Vince had fallen asleep next to the sink (Presumably so he could do his hair the second he woke up)

"Go back to," He didn't have to finish his sentence Vince was already snoring his head off. He got up and brushed himself off; he couldn't get his mind off Nancy. She was fantastic but she didn't even know his name, which made Howard feel like rubbish because he was almost certain he would never see her again.

It was Noon and Howard had four hung over individuals keeping him busy plus an insane man trying to get in the shop so he could see his little Vincey and to put the icing on the kazoo Lester woke up a very confused head his big night entailed him meeting a strange fox and then drunkenly finding his way home and passing out on the counter all before midnight. Anyway…

"Howard! I slept funny on my ankle now it's even worse ow, ow, ow,"

"Bloody Saboo and his bloody crunch, I really need a coffee I've given up on tea,"

"Tell me about it,"

"MOON let me in Vincey is in pain,"

"Where did my legs go?"

"If you let him in Howard I will KILL you,"

"Bollo if you please,"

"SHUT UP OR BOLLO WILL CHOP HEADS OFF,"

"Did I ever have legs?"

An hour later everyone was settled in Naboo and Bollo popped round to Shamansbury's after they skulled 3 cups each, Vince had ice tied to his ankle and Lester dozed off. Vince was limping around the room.

"Hey Leroy what's up? What, really? Oh Jagger that's amazing! Wow did yours fit? Nah what did they look like? OH WOW! Alright bye Leroy!" Vince hung up he noticed Howard "Howard you'll never believe this but the glam girl is going around with a shoe claiming who ever fits it is her perfect man, she's a nutter,"

"Course she is," If Flange was here now he would be proud, Howard on the inside was doing cartwheels for joy, he would tell Vince the truth but…

"I love nutters," See?

"Do I have the bloke for you…" Howard muttered under his breathe, thinking of the green err thing that visited him last night.

"What?" Vince looked a Howard

"So is coming to everyone she invited?" Howard said, Vince eyes went big

"Oh my god she is too I have to get ready," Vince started hobbling in a mad panic

"Why? You look fine," Howard said

"I wore this last night she'll know, she'll think I'm cheap or a…" He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud the word was just so wrong on so many levels "a.. a… poser,"

Howard just sighed as Vince raced/wobbled off to the mess that was his wardrobe (it's now his banana boat for he had heard that song with Bollo and he fell in love [with the song not Bollo]). Howard picked up his Global Explorer he absent-mindedly glanced over the top off the page and saw Bob smeared against the glass still in his bikini muttering "I must get milk, I must get milk," over and over again.

"Bob you're going to scare the customers move," Howard calmly shouted at him,

"I'm stuck on with records I can't" Bob yelled back, Howard grabbed the scraper with the extra-long handle.

An hour later Howard was down to the two last bits of Bob still stuck on the window

"And that's why it's never a good idea to use a clothesline standing up," Bob concluded.

"What d'you think?" Vince said, he was wearing the worst boots for a bad ankle but they looked amazing so did the rest of him

"You look like a stripy clawed meower," Bob drooled on the glass

"Cheers!"

"Are you trying to break your ankle?" Howard said, Vince raised his eyebrow and showed him a golden walking stick

"I'm not gonna use it when she's looking just you know until she gets here, I told you I needed to get it,"

"You bought it 10 years ago and this is the first time you've used it,"

"Whatever," Vince said and started walking around testing it out. Bollo walked through the door somewhat randomly not noticing anything that was happening at that point.

"Bollo forgot Members card," He said sheepishly and shuffled across the room to grab his wallet.

All of a sudden this fanfare noise started happening and Nancy entered the building with the boots in her hands, Vince panicked and threw the walking stick far far behind him.

"Hi," Vince said all Vince-like

"Do you fit this?" She held the boot out,

"Your very forward but that's alright," he grabbed the boot and sat on the counter. Unfortunately for Vince the boot was the left boot and Vince's left ankle was the twisted one. So after a lot of wincing he managed to get his boot off and slowly put the awesome boot on… except it didn't fit so thirty seconds later Vince was jamming it on and in a cruel twist of the panties he fell backwards and hurt his ankle even more so.

Meanwhile Howard had finally got Bob off the window to which Bob ran into the shop and saw Vince injured and Nancy with a shiny boot, he looked at Vince, he looked at the boot, he looked at Vince, he looked at the boot, Vince, boot, Vince, Boot, Vince…

"I want it !" He pushed Nancy and grabbed the boot he started hugging it and caressing it. "Oh you look cold little buddy, Here let me warm you up a little," he was spooning it on the floor. Bollo took the boot off Bob and sniffed it.

"Hm Howard methinks this yours," Bollo said after a long think,

"What? How do you know that?" Vince said from underneath the counter

"It stink," Bollo said he handed it to Howard on the way out. Howard blushed

"You weren't even invited Howard; if you were there I would have recognized you, you would have worn your tweed suit I know you," Vince dismissed it entirely, Nancy recognized the glint in Howard's eyes

"Try it on," She said, he did and it fitted perfectly, although it still felt like murder for Howard. Vince gasped

"You're the bloody entrance stealer? What really, you?" Vince was confused.

"An old err friend helped me get there," Howard shrugged

"It's really you! I never had so much fun with a person before, I know this sounds extreme but will you marry me?" Nancy was excited and giddy fortunately so was Howard

"O.k. sure why not?" Howard said

**At the honeymoon**

Howard was holding Nancy in a tight embrace on the bed he never felt so sure about a woman before he really loved her, she had talked him through the wedding nerves she told him everything was going to be alright. The wedding by the way was the most romantic thing he'd ever done they eloped and got married in France. He was brought back down to earth when he stroked her hair… and it came off in his hands 'Nancy' turned around

"I'm Old Gregg!"

"ARGHHHHHH!"

And they all lived happily ever after

THE END

_Whaddya think? Try to be nice in the reviews, sorry if the grammar mistakes annoyed you although if you're reading a fanfic just to check grammar something is seriously wrong with you. _


	3. Vince's new clothes part 1

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing I do own Vince's new outfit but I own nothing else**

_I was a reading through my own big book of fairytales and this one sprung at me like a bag of shells covered in brick. So see if it does the same to you oh and I had a chat with Leroy and he didn't want to talk in this, I had a whole monologue for him but he didn't want to do it. You want him to talk you take it up with him. _

**Vince's New Clothes**

Once upon a time…

Leroy had come over to visit, which was the first time ever. When he walked through the shop door Howard well Howard didn't do anything because he hadn't seen Leroy in such a long time he didn't recognised him, he just kept reading his Global Explorer. Vince was straightening his hair at the time and when he saw him he burnt his ear.

"Leroy? Ow bloody hell, what you doing here? Why aren't you at the ice rink?" Vince asked, Howard glared at the figure in front of him as Leroy calmly replied it was his day off and he wanted to see what the famous shop was like "Oh right erm, well err here it is whaddya think?"

Vince seemed nervous because Leroy was like his style consultant if Leroy didn't like it no-one would except for Howard but then he's fashion blind. Howard, on the other banana, couldn't give a flying monkey what Leroy thought about him no sir he was The Jazz Maverick he didn't need some poncy air-head to tell him what to wear. While Howard was busy convincing himself that he didn't care about Leroy, Vince was showing Leroy around his wardrobe to which Leroy nodded at the appropriate moments.

Two hours later Vince went out for sweets, Leroy walked up to Howard a made a business proposition

"What yeah I know he has a lot of clothes and cares about them more than anything in the world but what am I supposed to do about it?" Howard said Leroy made his move

"A bet? What, about Vince? Why?... But I like his vanity it's funny to watch," Howard said remembering the time Vince wore a grey tracksuit on a dare; he had never seen him so ashamed. Leroy then explained his big plan Howard didn't quite get it

"So what you're saying is we fool Vince into wearing something completely embarrassing by telling him its high fashion," Leroy explained the final part of his big plan.

Howard gasped "he'd never buy that he'll only believe it if it's in cheek face or whatever the hell it is," Leroy pulled out a magazine called Cheek Bone with a model on it wearing nothing except his boxers and even they were skin colour.

"You're really gonna try this?" Leroy nodded "Well don't come crying to me when you've lost 50 euros because Vince won't go for it," Leroy stuck out his tongue and left the shop leaving his magazine and a clothes hanger with nothing on it except a note saying "From Leroy" in the "sacred" wardrobe

Vince walked in with a big half-empty paper bag and an even bigger Topshop bag.

"I thought you went shopping for sweets," Howard gawped

"I did I just got a bit distracted," Vince said "Where's Leroy?"

"He left..." Showtime "The ninja came in and delivered your boney cheek,"

"Alright!" He grabbed it and raced for the couch Howard followed him "Oh my god I was so not prepared for this I thought Superman knickers were coming in but look at this Howard the new Inviscloth worn only by the most stylish trendsetters it's genius and guess who the stylish trendsetter is in Camden," He had it open at a page with the model glaring at the camera wearing nothing except skin coloured y-fronts.

"You seriously don't believe it's real," Howard said Vince looked up at him

"Course its real otherwise why would Cheek Bone put it in?" Vince looked at him funny.

"Are you really that easily influenced?" Howard asked

"I don't know what that means" Vince looked at the ground

"What if cheek bone said that Jazz chic was the in thing what would you do then?" Howard knew full well of his allergy and was using this to try and get back his 50 euros. Unfortunately for him Vince was already under the influence of the Cheek Bone.

"Then I would die a stylish death," Vince smiled and went back to his magazine

"And stop being stupid you know what that means," Howard rustled Vince's hair

"ARGH! What you doing? I had it perfect!" Vince shouted at Howard. Howard snickered, Vince glared at him

"Twat," Howard mocked shock and Vince stormed out of the room.

Howard sighed and thought of something he could do, nothing really sprung to mind, he noticed the magazine out of the corner of his eye. He looked around to make sure no-one was looking and grabbed it to see what Leroy had put in. He had seen Vince read it enough times to know the proper etiquette for reading one of these, one does not breeze through it one pays close attention to every word every picture. As he was reading the magazine he noticed the small print WARNING: clothes may not exist. He was tempted to show Vince but he kind of wanted to see Vince walking around in these for some reason; for a laugh not in a sexual way or anything he quickly reassured himself. He went back to reading when

"Howard have a look at-" Vince barged into the room hair back in action, Howard threw the magazine across the room "What you doing to my magazine?"

"Nothing it err," Howard thought fast "looked better on the other side of the room and I err,"

"Whatever," Vince was to wrapped in his own concerns to notice Howard's blatant lies "have a look at what Leroy left me," he waved a coat hanger with a note around. Howard faked confusion

"What is it?"

"It's an Inviscloth," Vince rolled his eyes "you know the thing I was just showing you,"

"I can't see it," Howard said flatly Vince started getting frustrated

"You're not meant to! That's the whole point,"

"That's a pretty pathetic point,"

"You don't get it do you?" Vince said

"Alright then if it's so fantastic how do you put it on?" Vince looked stumped he stared at it for a minute or two

"Well you…. Or maybe you put your arm…no…err," Vince slammed the clothes hanger on the ground and slumped on the couch "I don't know," he finally said defeated "I don't really know if anything's on there I sort of just went along with the magazine," he looked up at Howard who was secretly cheering on the inside. Howard sat next to him "But I wanna be the most stylish you know,"

"Vince you are the most stylish person in Camden with or without the invisible suit," Howard was in an awkward position of should I put my hand on his shoulder or should I leave it. His mind was racing about making up his mind when Leroy walked through the door. Vince leaped three feet in the air and dashed over to him, Howard breathed a sigh of relief.

"Alright Leroy... hmm? Yeah I did see it err I don't think it's there," Vince admitted looking at the ground, Leroy looked at Howard who was doing a small victory dance. Leroy panicked "Yes Leroy I did see the magazine but… what instructions? In Cheek Bone? Prove it," Leroy took the magazine and flicked through it with Vince "OH right ok… well I don't think I want you to help me get dressed… oh well if knickers are being kept on then ok," They dashed off to Howard and Vince's bedroom with Cheek Bone and clothes in tow.


	4. Vince's new clothes part 2

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing not one word nothing**

_SO Vince has bought it hook line and banana and Howard has lost the bet…. But has he really lost the bet?_

Half an hour later Leroy walked out and with a big grin that said "I win," presented Vince who came out hair and makeup done in nude tones (do you get it?) and his best boxers on (The ones with The Rolling Stones tongue on them). Vince, after a twenty minute lecture, was convinced he looked fantastic in the clothes and was really convinced he would impress everybody with his mad wardrobe (or lack of).

"We're going to The Velvet Onion tonight it's going to be genius," Vince said excitedly

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" Howard asked

"Yeah I'll be back by 3, we're going to Leroy's until then see ya," He was dragged out the door by Leroy. Howard was now 50 euros short and he didn't have 50 euros to start with, he picked up the paper and started looking for a second job because getting a second job would be easier than asking Naboo for a raise.

Vince on the other hand was pumped; he was outside The Velvet Onion with Leroy (who was wearing superman knickers on top of his blue tights for some reason). After a while the bouncer finally let them in Vince was jumping on the walls when he heard.

"Hahahaha!" Vince and Leroy exchanged looks "I am from…. The Futchaaaaa!" They walked closer to the man everyone was standing around. He was blonde with wings and had golden armour.

"Who is he?" Vince said in a amazement Leroy shrugged "I'm gonna go talk with him," Vince walked up to him

"Who are you?" Vince said. The man didn't seem fazed by Vince and his invisible gear.

"I am Sunflaaaaash, I am from the Futchaaaaa!" Sunflash smiled "Hahahaha!"

"Vince Noir rock 'n' roll star," Vince grinned

"You look disgusting you're not wearing anything!" Vince felt incredibly small "Your face is like vomit, but don't worry I can do mutant makovaaaaasss!" Sunflash twirled and leaped over to the stage "All of you can have makeovaaaaassss!" He posed at different people and they turned into metallic goddesses. "I am going to have to use all my resources on you!" He posed at Vince and zapped him. Vince suddenly had a yucky blonde wig and a chrome jumpsuit that really didn't suit him at all. "Well?" Sunflash asked. Vince took one look at himself and legged it with tears in his eyes.

Howard was having a fun night in (although that really does depend on what your idea of fun is), he had the documentaries going on the telly, jazz on full blast and was reading Cheek Bone at the same time. Plus Naboo and Bollo were off on a "business trip" so Howard had the place to himself. He was relaxing by the telly and reading the fashion helpline he was in heaven.

"Howard!" Vince ran in the apartment above the shop and threw himself on the tiny bit of the couch that was left. Howard threw the magazine away and moved closer to Vince who was bawling his lemons out and still in the disgusting wig.

"Hey what's wrong little man?" Howard asked. He got a burble of words in response.

"Well he whendii mre andjwhoiv" Vince said between sniffles

"Slow down Vince speak English," Vince took a deep breath

"This guy from the future said I looked like vomit and then he did this to me," He glanced behind Howard and saw his reflection which just made him cry even harder. He collapsed on Howard, which made Howard tense and uncomfortable but he managed to quickly (10 seconds) decide to take off the wig and tame Vince's hair back down to its normal state.

"It'll be alright little man," Howard said in a tone which had to make someone feel better.

"How?" Vince said miserable, Howard thought for a minute.

"Well if he's from the future he'll probably go back there and Naboo can make a potion to make everyone who saw it forget about it, so it'll all go back to normal," Howard improvised he was quite proud of that effort in fact if he could he would give himself a medal.

"But that tosspot will know," Vince said.

"Who cares who he is, he's from the future, it doesn't matter your still the most stylish person in all of Camden. And he's just some futuristic wanker," Howard got quite angry about this, he was all ready to go over and punch this guy in the elbow

"Not him Leroy," Vince narrowed his eyes in an "I hate that boy" way rather than an "I can't see" way. "How could he even let me go out almost naked?"

"O.k. erm, Leroy and me had a bet," Vince quickly looked up at Howard furious "Hold on hear me out first, He thought that you would go out in public and embarrass yourself all in the name of fashion, I thought that you wouldn't do it because you were smart enough to not go out naked now I owe him 50 euros,"

"But it was in Cheek Bone…" Vince looked at the traitor magazine

"Leroy made it, I'm sorry Vince I should have put it in the bin or something and given you the real one," Howard said It was his turn to feel small

"Where's the real one?" Vince asked Howard seemingly innocently but he knew exactly how this was going to play out,

"Err it hasn't arrived yet, anyway I'm-" Howard fumbled over to a subject change

"You've been reading it, haven't you?" Vince grinned, Howard blushed

"I don't know what you're talking about," Howard thought to the collection underneath his mattress, he knew he could never wear clothes like that (he convinced himself that they wouldn't come in his size and he could never afford it but really they frightened him he liked to look sane).

"Yes you do I've seen you reading them, you may diss it but I know you love it when I show you the latest thing from Topshop or whatever," Vince gave him his trademark look which was saved for these moments. To which Howard gave him one of his looks (Anger of a Winemaker)

"Yeah whatever now I owe Leroy 50 euros," Howard sighed

"I'm sorry, I'm an idiot for believing they were real, I just wanted to impress Leroy and everyone else and I thought I looked ok and I," Vince babbled excuses which weren't his best ones in fact they weren't even top ten material "I saw a dolphin covered in marshmallow who told me that you got to impress yourself and I didn't quite know what that meant but it flew off anyway," O.k. I take it back that one's going in the book Howard remembered it for later.

"It was probably saying some twat knew my best mate better than I did," Howard and Vince sighed they looked at each other both as sad as the other and they knew what they had to do

"You can't get me nanananaaa" Vince shouted and stuck his tongue at Howard. Howard threw a Satsuma straight for his head… and missed. They laughed and continued to pelt them at each other even though it was pitch black and they couldn't really see where they were throwing them. "Missed me missed me now you gotta kiss-" Vince started to chant but Howard hit him straight in the thigh. They dissolved in a pool of laughter as the moon watched on

"Errr I er used to do that with er Saturn but with rocks err then he err made a crater in me and he turned into into a Uranus… I'm the moon" He grinned and spinned.

And they all lived happily ever after

THE END

_In the end I gave Leroy's monologue to The Moon it has more effect I think. _


	5. The Electro Poof vs The Jazz Maverick P1

**Ok not mine deal with it**

_Right we begin this tale with a teeny tiny bit of angst but you know "it's getting better all the time," as they say on my Dad's old records. Anyhoo I don't think there's anything more I wanna say so err enjoy the story. oh hang on yes there is it's loosely based on The Tortoise and The Hare there now enjoy the story.  
><em>

**The Electro Poof vs. The Jazz Maverick**

Once upon a time

Vince and Howard were in the middle of the war; Howard hadn't spoken to Vince in a month which Vince was majorly upset about. No one was quite sure how it started one minute they were having a laugh about Bob's new haircut and then screaming and yelling and shouting. Now Howard has zipped his lips when it comes to Vince and Vince couldn't be more upset, he now had no one to talk to no one to take the piss out of and no one to crimp with his life was over as far as he was concerned. It wasn't really a war anymore it was to start with; it started with practical jokes tacks on chairs, salt in the sugar jar that sort of thing it then escalated to water bombs and the slime bucket on the doorway which was the part Vince couldn't stand because it got in his hair, the breaking point was when Vince smashed stationary village. It happened a little like this… actually it went exactly like this.

(FLASHBACK SEQUANCE oohohohohooohhooo [that's err supposed to be dramatic music if you're wondering)

"What'd you do that for?" Vince shouted at Howard. He was covered in slime when he was wearing his brand new expensive top that he had been on the waiting list for months to get. "This is brand new!"

"Good you had it coming," Howard said calmly. Well he wasn't sure why he did it, wait no yes he was Vince said the only comeback Howard had was giving himself a Chinese burn so Howard just had to prove him wrong

"What do you mean had it coming? I only dropped a water bomb at you!" Vince was furious. He had never been so angry before and he had no idea what to do with it. He was usually the calm and nice one, at peace with the world, but this whole war thing had threw him he hated every second of it but he didn't know what to do, damn Howard for starting it with his Howlin James Blunt or Muddy Brick or some stupid jazz musician and their stupid record.

"It was the size of a bag of rockmelons and you threw it off the roof," Howard remembered it and he still had a headache from where it landed. He was convinced that he was angrier than Vince was after all it was Vince who started this whole fight with his Jean-Claude Jacket-ette or whatever the hell it was

"So there was no reason to ruin my new top," Vince looked at his top and whimpered at the state of it.

"Oh and who do you think is going to wash it hm? Who do you think is going to make your breakfast? Who do you think rushes after you like your bloody mother?"

"You're a twat just like her," Vince yelled back

"I'm the twat?" Howard shouted

"Yes you are a twat; you're a stupid bollocking twat!" They were screaming at each other

"OH that's rich coming from you, you're a bloody wanna-be woman, if anyone's a twat it would be you," Howard had no idea where this was coming from but he did know both of them were too stubborn to stand down, he wished he wasn't stubborn and he really wished he hadn't said that because Vince started tearing up.

"Well… you're so anal you have to have a bloody house for a pencil," Vince, with tears streaming down his cheeks, walked over to stationary village, "why can't you just throw them on the ground?" … well no prizes for guessing what he did next.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-o

So after that… eventful afternoon Howard wasn't speaking to Vince which Vince found funny at first

"Hey Howard, your jacket makes you look like a log covered in chocolate icing and poo with no sprinkles or anything" He waited for Howard's reaction, nothing not even a look of death. "You won't be able to keep this up," Howard nearly said "yes I will" but he stopped himself at the last minute. Vince laughed.

But the jokes ended about there

"Howard… Howard… Howard… Howard… Howard," Vince repeated over and over again but Howard continued to make himself a cup of tea "Why aren't you talking to me?" Howard gave him a look "Ok stupid question, but that was a week ago can't you just forget about it? I have," Vince sighed "look I'm sorry… I need you, you're my best mate we've been through everything together… who will I crimp with?" Howard was just about to accept his apology when "I don't know how to use the washing machine my clothes are well rank," Howard rolled his eyes and stormed out of the room

-3-3-e-d-d—x-x-x-x-x-x-x

So Vince learnt apologies aren't his thing which is a shame because that really would have helped the situation here. So a few weeks later we come back to where we started. Howard had started sleeping on the couch, Vince was very upset he missed talking to Howard he even missed the jazz records and the hives that came afterwards. He tried washing his clothes and cooking but he nearly flooded at the flat and then exploded the oven so Bollo is now in charge of Vince's domestic stuff, Vince has lived off bananas and bootlaces ever since THAT argument. Howard hasn't spoken to anyone since THAT argument he had written a diary but he has terrible handwriting and no-one could translate it even Naboo scratched his head when they went through it without Howard knowing. In the end it was Bob who saved the day.

"VINCEY! How's it going?" Bob shouted as he barged into the shop, Howard didn't even look up, Vince on the other hand had never been this glad to see him.

"Alright," Vince grinned "What you doing here?"

"Just wanted to see how my gold mine is doing!" Bob picked Vince up and for once Vince didn't mind. Now before you say anything he didn't actually consider Bob as his best friend or like Bob picking him up he just wanted Howard to feel jealous and start talking again.

"He's doing fine, but really what are you doing here?" He snuggled into Bob's arms; he glanced at Howard who was trying his best to ignore his ex-best friend except it wasn't really working.

"I'm having a race at the Velvet Onion,"

"What like a running race?"

"No a run around in your knickers race, but no one wants to compete,"

"I will" Howard stood up and said loudly Vince gasped, not so much because Howard talked but because Bob was in such shock that he dropped him.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Bob screamed at Howard. "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH MY CHOCOLATE BEANIE?"

"I'm Howard Moon: explorer and I want nothing to do with your chocolate beanie," He posed like a superhero, a theme song played, it was dramatic lighting galore; it was like he had been rehearsing it in front of the mirror when no-one was looking…

"Howard what are you doing?" Vince smiled. His plan was working, his brain cell cheered.

"I deal with you later," Howard said to Vince with fire in his eyes "Bob I want to take part in the race,"

"Me too," Vince stood up and grinned at Howard who didn't notice the grin but noticed the competition.

"GREAT ! MAY THE BEST MAN WIN!" Bob shouted with glee and danced out of the shop "I'm gonna make mon-ey I'm gonna make mon-ey," he sang

"Hey you're talking!" Vince said and looked at him awkwardly.

"Yeah well don't get used to it," Howard muttered.

"What's that meant to mean?" Vince said slightly offended

"I am going to win that race, and you will lose my friend and you will lose hard," Howard said very seriously. Vince was just happy to be called friend again so he laughed at his seriousness.

"Do you want to make it into a competition?" Vince joked

"Alright winner takes it all," Howard said seriously

"What are you an ABBA song?" Vince giggled at his joke but then thought about it "But ok… if I win you have to do my laundry and clean my side of our room,"

"Oh not that anything but that," Howard winced at the thought, and who could blame him? Howard had seen Vince's side it's hard to explain how messy it is, think of a jungle and then multiply by it by 977221.

"And then cook me a ginormous feast and then to end it,"

"What?" Howard whined in a "what more do you want from me" way.

"Be my friend again," Vince said Howard had a quick think

"But if I win-"

"Yeah right as if," Vince laughed

"But if I win you rebuild Stationary Village from scratch and,"

"URGH not anal village," Vince cried

"AND you have to," He held the suspense "You have to say sorry for everything you've done,"

"But I didn't do anything," Vince moaned

"No buts, you have your conditions and I have mine," Howard looked Vince dead in the eye "deal?" Vince sighed

"Deal,"

-r—d-v-d-s-w-3—v—d-w—xxx-x-x-x-x

"You're not going to win you know," Howard said "Just because you'll wear a Zebra print Lycra vest doesn't mean you'll run faster," Vince was trying on outfits for the race.

"It's on tomorrow and I have nothing to wear," Their fight had been put on hold for the moment, the race was more important than THAT argument "I don't want to get all sweaty,"

"You're going to exercise you're going to have to get sweaty at some point," Howard pointed out

"Not really Naboo has been making a potion for me to drink so I don't have to sweat its genius,"

"Are you prepared at all?"

"Howard I don't need to be, I learnt how to run from Jahooley the leopard it's you who should be worried about getting prepared,"

"What do you mean? I'm Howard Moon man of action I was born to run," Howard had also run laps of the counter when no one was looking but that really didn't matter

"Well I thought with you being so old you'd crack a hip or something," Vince admired his shiny tie headband in the mirror not really paying attention to the conversation.

"How can you not know how old I am? We must have been through this only the thousand times before," Howard said frustrated

"Err 655 in dog years?" Vince said Howard did some quick maths (now if you add the 5 and then take the 67...)

"That's 93; you think I'm ninety three?" Howard said shocked

"How old are you then?"

"I'm 3 years younger than you; I was only in your year because of my moustache,"

"Whatever what do you think?" Vince held up two boxers "paint-splatter with a silver sequin underline or the 'I'm with stupid'?" Howard raised an eyebrow "no you're right I need something warmer," he went back to his wardrobe and raked it for more vests.

"What you're actually going to wear something comfortable and useful?" Howard shouted after him he walked into their room and gasped. While Howard was on the couch the room had turned into a Vince tornado but on top of that mess was the entire contents of Vince's knickers draws.

"No I meant warmer colours I'm thinking Savannah Sunrise for the boxers and a Lycra red leopard print vest and to finish it my yellow thigh-length trainers alright?" Vince didn't wait for approval he was already in his jim jams he was ready for bed. "Well I'm gonna need my sleep if I'm going to win the race tomorrow,"

"Yeah whatever Vince you'll never win," Howard said although Howard wasn't too sure of that I mean yeah he's Howard Moon man of action but he wasn't the fastest person in the world he knew that. So did Vince, he remembered Sports Day at primary school all those years ago

(ANOTHER FLASHBACK SEQUENCE ohohohohooohohohoh [two in one chapter I feel a right goer])

"Come on Howard you've only got 6 feet to go and if you keep going like this you'll beat the kid who had a seizure," It was dark everyone had gone home apart from Vince and Howard. Howard was still running well I wouldn't call it running more like crawling along the ground, gasping for water and sweating like a trumpet. It was the 500 metres the last event of the day Howard entered the race to win the affections of Marilyn (who "coincidently" ended up being Vince's first girlfriend) and was beaten by the two tough boys in the class Mick and Sam. Vince didn't enter he didn't want to ruin his new hairdo (it was the late eighties early nineties think big, backcombed and teased into oblivion with no shame at all) "come on Howard." Howard collapsed from being too tired and Vince, not wanting to leave his friend, fell asleep next to him. In the end the kid who had the seizure did beat Howard after being wheeled across the finish line the morning after.

(annnddd back to reality)

As a result from past experiences Vince knew he was probably going to win hell he knew Howard didn't have a teapot's chance on mars of winning (you ask the moon about that analogy he'll tell you all about it). So Vince was very confident and cocky about this race he even had Bob rig the betting pools so Vince's odds were lower than Howards , Vince thought that was a good thing he wasn't entirely sure what all that meant. Anyway the day of the race was finally here, Vince was lying on the couch and Howard was stretching

"Why are you on the couch don't you have to warm up?" Howard said in-between touching his toes or at least trying to.

"I am Jahooley taught me that warming up is a state of mind all that stretching business is useless, if you think you're ready to run then you are ready to run," Vince said and then grinned at Howard who was in his most comfortable vest and boxers. "Are you really wearing that?"

"Yeah why what's wrong with it?"

"It's got a great big brown stain down the front of the boxers," Vince laughed Howard looked down and there it was glaring at him.

"You did this didn't you?" Howard suddenly felt like over-reacting, he was in an overdramatic mood.

"What are you talking about?" Vince was just confused

"You wanted me to look like a ball-bag, so you stained my shorts?"

"No Bollo did that he's in charge of washing up he accidently spilt hot chocolate all over it and then it didn't come out in the wash,"

"Is that really your best excuse?" Howard gave his best withering look.

"It's not an excuse it's the truth," Vince said, in all honesty Vince was the one who spilt the hot chocolate but he wasn't going to bring that up.

"These are the only pair I have that don't have holes in them,"

"Eww. Um well borrow a pair of mine," He said in a yucky-grossed-out kinda way "in fact you can have them," He dragged Howard to the wardrobe and analysed what Howard's hair was doing, the current weather, what his skin tone looked like in that particular moment, the way his chocolate eyes seem to sing at Vince all the important details. He then picked up his black and white fake tux vest and black and white thick striped boxers, "Here these are yours they'll go nicely with your black trainers now leave me alone you're ruining my warm up," Howard snickered at the thought of Vince 'warming up' because he knew it consisted of Vince, a bowl of soup, the couch and Gary Numen's entire back catalogue.

x-x-x-x-x-x-3-f-g-6-8-f-b-s-e-w-g-x-x-x-x-x

It was an hour until the race; they were both in front of The Velvet Onion Vince was posing for photos Howard was looking at the betting odds wondering how on earth did people bet 12399432 euros on a race that really meant nothing and worst of all they were bets against him. Then he realised it was Bainbridge who was betting all that money and he saw Bainbridge in the tent reserved for The Velvet Underground staff, there is no way he's going to win now Bainbridge would kill him if he won. But hold on Howard isn't working for Bainbridge anymore if he kills him it's now illegal, after a small epiphany Howard was determined to win now just to make Bainbridge angry.

c-x—s-d-f-e-x-x-x-x-xx

Vince was talking to Bob well more like Vince was putting up with Bob speaking; he wasn't a huge fan of The Bobmiester if you can't tell already.

"We have this all rigged Vincey there is no way Howard is going to win," Bob was staring at Vince's Lycra clad chest

"Alright," Vince grinned, he knew technically it was cheating but he hadn't eaten properly in months and he really didn't want to rebuild Stationary Village. He knew how it would pan out; he would do it his way and make outfits for all the pens and pencils and then Howard would make him do it again in the exact same way he had it before which was boring.

"That's a nice," Bob trailed off and put his hand on Vince's chest.

"Don't touch me," Vince said Bob quickly drew his hand away. Vince realised how much he sounded like Howard and laughed it off thinking that maybe next time he should try a different tactic because he didn't want to turn into Howard.

0-0-00-0-0-0

_I know lame finisher no cliff-hanger or suspense nothing. But then I'm the storyteller here I control these things and you've had your fix you fan fiction junkie you. _


	6. The Electro Poof vs The Jazz Maverick P2

_Right where did we leave off oh yeah me rambling about stories, Vince fixing the race and turning into Howard, Naboo well I don't know what happened to him he's not in this story much I'm sorry all you Naboolio freaks and Howard ice-skating round the Sahara… just kidding _

Finally the race was about to start Howard and Vince had to run to the Nabootique and back twice. Vince was standing toes just touching the starting line, Howard still doing a little stretching I think he thought if he did enough of it he would run faster but I haven't the heart to tell him he's wrong although he might be right I'll just check… well after a quick Google I have no idea if stretching makes you run faster an neither does anyone else in the world. Anyway Bob had a megaphone, not that he needed it, to start the race

"Ready… Freddy… err PAJAMAS!" Howard looked at Vince as if to say "Well do we start or what?"

"No hang on… FRUITCAKES!" After he noticed nothing happened, Bainbridge grabbed the thing off him

"JUST GO ALREADY!" He screamed into the megaphone causing a huge amount of feedback making everybody wince. Except for Vince he had his headphones in listening to Jagger he was off and away the second he saw Howard stumble across the starting line because of the feedback.

Vince was in the lead running like a china horse (sorry couldn't resist) with Howard running like a china snail. Vince not sweating at all or getting burnt, Howard was dripping wet and redder than a bear and not because he just went swimming in a tomato juice paddling pool. Vince got to the Nabootique way before Howard did and he passed Howard on his way back, Howard had only ran about 10 feet down the street (hey that rhymes). Vince got to the Nabootique for the second time and Howard was still "running" his way there. Vince's legs hurt a little they weren't used to running his brain cell had an idea when he saw the shop he did one of his cunning grins.

When he thought no-one was looking, he quickly opened the door and raced in like a James Bond nightmare. He hobbled to the couch and collapsed he was really thirsty like incredibly thirsty maybe a tea would help and then he would get going and win the race.

He got up from the couch and made a well-sweetened tea. He had a sip but something wasn't quite right he glanced at his sweet bags on the kitchen counter and he had another think (two ideas in one day this should really be considered a miracle). He grabbed a flying saucer and dropped it in his tea it melted like an alien witch; he grabbed another and another and another until he had no more left. He opened the cupboards and searched them anything sweet went in the tea: gumdrops, the rest of the sugar, icing sugar, brown sugar, biscuits, jammy dodgers, bootlaces, Rice Crispies, Fruit Loops, maple syrup they all went into the tea. In the end he had this strange thick dark purple goo he dipped his finger in it and licked the results.

"Hmm not bad," He said to no one in particular before promptly hitting the floor and passing out.

Howard on the other hand had just reached The Nabootique on his second lap which he was quite chuffed about considering it was still daylight. He hasn't run this fast since… well since ever really, he was thing about maybe strutting across the finish line but no one except Vince would understand why because Vince would have already crossed the finish line and everyone was just waiting around to mock Howard for being so slow that was how it usually went. But he didn't care, he was going to cross the finish line before sundown and that was all that mattered.

About 45 minutes later Howard could see the finish line well sort of it was more a small squiggly line in the distance but it still counted he was jogging towards it when

"Oi! Where you think you're going squire?"

"Hitcher?" Our favourite cockney nutjob had popped out of nowhere to create chaos and madness and a slight tummy ache.

"You're not crossing that line boy," He was holding a knife in his gloved green hand and was holding it at Howard's throat.

"Why are you doing this?" Howard whimpered

"I do contract work now," The Hitcher said looking very proud of his latest idea "I figure if I wanna be evil I may as well earn a few quid when I'm at it. Here's my card," He handed Howard a white card in the shape of a polo with green shaky writing saying "The Hitcher: Anywhere, Anytime, No job too evil," and a phone number on it.

"It's quite nice isn't it?" Howard said of the card

"Yeah I got this kid called Dave to do it before I cut 'im cause he wanted to be paid," He laughed at the thought. "Still are you going to run away in the other direction or am I going to have to slice ya?" He held his knife back up

"Don't hurt me I got so much to give!" Howard wailed

"Like what?" The Hitcher said in a "I'll-believe-this-when-I-see-it" kind of way

"Like err erm I got ten ton of jazz records you can have?"

"Try again sonny I only have mp3 now,"

"Err," Suddenly he had a brainwave "Someone is betting 12399432 euros against me if I win, with a man of your evil stature I'm sure you can blackmail the money off of Bob in no time,"

"Well I am quite evil," He blushed a dark shade of green at the compliment.

"I know you are Hitch," Howard said, he was amazed at the social skills he had suddenly developed. How come he was never like this with a girl? "Now go get 'em,"

The Hitcher started to walk off but then paused "Who's Bob?"

"He's in the safari suit and bordering on retarded you can't miss him,"

"Alright then squire," The Hitcher said and wandered off muttering something along the lines of "I'm a cockney I'm a cockney," which surprised both of them because that wasn't even his catchphrase.

Howard started running towards the finish line, there was nothing that could stop him now hold on spoke too soon.

"Where do you think you are going my child?"

"Oh what now?" He turned and gasped at the two men standing near the alleyway.

"I go by many names some call me hyst-"

"RUDI! Shut up! You go on and on with the names thing no-one has ever called you any of the names… ever!" The other man added for effect.

"You're Rudi and Spider!" Howard gushed like a fan-girl "I have all your LPs they're amazing! Is there really a temple for psychedelic monks?"

"Why yes it is in-" Rudi started one of his famous speeches on the history of the monks

"Wow that's soooo cool! Do you really have-" Howard interrupted, Spider just nodded with a big grin on his face "Well what are you doing here?"

"We need a err," Spider started

"A jazz expert to join our band for our next album and we'd like you," Rudi finished for Spider

"What now?" Howard asked Rudi nodded "Oh I'd love to but I have a race to finish sorry maybe some other time," He started to run off

"You have passed the test,"

"Oh Jesus," Spider muttered under his breath

"What test?" Howard asked cautiously

"The join our band test most men would love to join our band," Spider laughed "But you would rather finish the race for that is the noble thing to do,"

"What are you talking about eh? We don't get paid so he will finish the race we get paid when he doesn't," Spider yelled at him

"You have many things to learn," Rudi started to walk off in the other direction Spider chased after him

"You treat me like a child Rudi! I save your life and this is what I get,"

"That was years ago Spider you must learn to get over these things ," They roamed off into the distance leaving very confused Howard who thought about it for a minute shrugged it off and continued running.

The finish line seemed closer than ever he was going to make it and the sun was still up. Howard looked around for Vince but he didn't see him all he saw was Bob hitting on Bainbridge who was busy trying to put his pistol back in his moustache, everyone else was doing their own thing. Howard crossed the line and then collapsed on to a chair; well he thought it was a chair turned out to be the floor. Everyone glared at him but Howard didn't notice he was too exhausted to pay any close attention to anything. Bainbridge walked over to Howard and he didn't look happy.

"How did you win?"

"What?" Howard squinted at the big figure in front of him

"I said how did you win?" Bainbridge said more annoyed than anything

"I won?" Howard said with disbelief "Why where's Vince?" Bainbridge gave a very evil look at Howard and left. Actually that was a good question where was Vince? He had a look around but he couldn't see him he found Naboo.

"Where's Vince?"

"Who?" Naboo might have gotten up to something, mainly juju magic which is never a good thing, while waiting for the race to end. Howard knew this was a lost cause so he glanced around the street he saw Bainbridge storming off after paying Bob his money and The Hitcher creep out from a conveniently placed alleyway. Bob looked at him and screamed "AHH GINGER!" and legged it, The Hitcher stared at the money with nothing but pure love in his eyes. Howard went up to him

"Hey Hitch,"

"Yeah?" He wasn't paying attention; there was money involved he didn't care.

"I know you're a bit busy at the moment but can you help me find my mate?" Howard asked as nicely as he could The Hitcher stopped and thought about it

"Alright boy, let me let you in on somethin' I don't help people ever and if they ask nicely I slice them have you got that?"

"We've got wine gums at home,"

"You've got yourself a deal squire but sweets come first," The Hitcher slinked off towards the shop "It is this way innit?"

"Yeah Hitch my home boy," The Hitcher glared at him through the polo "Too far?" The Hitcher instead of his usual slice into a gazillion pieces and then sprinkle them into a porpoise's blowhole, he simply sighed and continued walking. Howard was amazed he didn't get killed, it was like The Hitcher liked him, although he didn't want to push it to far Hitch was prone to mood swings.

They got to the shop,

"Is this it?" The Hitcher asked

"Yeah Hitch come on in I'll just get them for you," Howard entered the shop The Hitcher followed.

"Ahh the old pie and mash shop do you know I-"

"Um Hitch you told me this before and then you shoved an eel down my throat," Howard said

"Memories,"

"Yeah," They stopped for a minute to reminisce "Anyway wine gums," Howard went to the cupboard leaving The Hitcher to walk around the room reminiscing about the many times he was in that shop.

Howard got to the kitchen and saw Vince lying out cold on the floor

"Vince!" he leaped down to the floor "Hitch! Help!"

"Squire what have I told you about helping people?"

"You can raid the cupboard whatever just help!" Howard shouted at him. He walked into the room and saw Howard cradling over Vince he sighed and grabbed a glass and filled it up with water

"We used to do this with Ian all the time, worked like a cockney bitch," He threw it on Vince who gasped

"Who did that? Look at my hair it's gone all limp!" He saw The Hitcher "You did it didn't you? You green dick!"

"It is quite green," Vince narrowed his eyes and got up and tackled the old green man whose evil side seemed to fail him.

That night Howard and Vince were in the living room, Vince was lying down on the floor curled up next to a pack of peas. Howard was checking the till,

"You never finished that race," Howard pointed out

"Nuts to the race," Vince muttered into his peas. "It nearly killed me,"

"Technically it was the cup of tea and the attack on Hitch that nearly killed you," Howard snickered

"How was I to know he had a bloody back problem?"

"When you tackled him it just went crack did you hear it? That was a fun ambulance drive,"

"Yeah they really couldn't understand how the Polo had gotten there,"

"Even though we told them he superglued it to his face using eyeball goo from the last person who asked that question,"

"And they said that didn't make any sense,"

"Well he was under the influence of the morphine they gave him; he also claimed you were his attractive female wrestler girlfriend," Howard laughed

"Shut up, anyway when did you get so close to The Hitcher?"

"When did you get so close to the white rabbit?" Howard said hoping to change the subject from him to Vince which was always an easy task.

"When he raped me," Vince said in a 'duh!' way

"No I meant why did you take him out to dinner last week?"

"Well he did ask nicely and he had flowers and I didn't have the heart to say 'why didn't you take me out to dinner before you bummed me?' and break his little heart I mean what was I supposed to do? He had done his fur up too, I'm irresistible to animals even the bonkers rapists ones,"

"You're tired," Howard said after observing Vince for a minute or two

"What? No I'm not that's completely ridic-" he interrupted himself with a yawn

"You are, whenever you're tired you start talking rubbish because you never went with the rabbit did you?"

"No he got off with Bob they make a great couple even though they both totally fancy me,"

"Off to bed little man," Howard said in a what he thought was an intimidating voice

"I think I'll have a little sleepy," He dozed off on the floor. Howard sighed and grabbed a blanket from behind the counter (this wasn't the first time this had happened) and tucked Vince in.

"I'm sorry Howard," Vince murmured

"Don't be we were both twats," Howard said comfortingly

"You were more of a twat than me," Vince said in his quietest voice

"What was that?"

"You were more of a…" He trailed off and started snoring.

"Night Vince," Howard turned off the lights and started heading for his bed.

"Hey Howard! Look at this!" It was the next day and Vince was rebuilding Stationary Village, it wasn't so much a village anymore it was more a city. He had skyscrapers, night clubs he even managed to convince a few of the pens and pencils to start a taxi service, but at the moment he was currently working on outfits for all the pens and pencils. He had just finished he mirror ball suit.

"I'm a little busy at the moment Vince," Howard yelled from the kitchen

"What are you doing?"

"Making lunch,"

"What's for lunch?" Vince asked very excitedly because he hadn't had a decent meal in a month

"Your favourite!"

"Not…"

"Yep,"

"Jelly castles!"

"What? No, you just made that up!"

"Oh chocolate pan,"

"Pancakes with sprinkles," Howard interrupted bringing out two plates he put one next to Vince

"Cheers Howard!" Vince said who dropped the mini mirror ball suit and ate his pancakes in about two seconds flat.

"What are you doing with the sequins?"

"Hm?" Vince said licking the cream of his spoon "Oh I'm making outfits for all the pen and pencils see? Have a look at the one I just finished," He picked up the mirror ball suit pen and showed it to Howard.

"It has a wig,"

"Yeah it's like me in pen format it's genius,"

"Do you have one in a Hawaiian shirt?" He laughed

"Yeah but you know I've added a few adjustments I don't want an unstylish pencil in my city," Vince said embarrassed

"Can I see it?" Howard asked

"Yeah course you can but don't laugh because I really worked hard on this," he got up and walked over to Stationary City where he found the pencil lurking in the nightclubs he picked it up and gave it to Howard. "What do you think?"

"It's like a pencil version of me,"

"Do you like the hat? I spent ages on that hat,"

"It's so tiny," Howard said fondly. He looked at Vince, Vince looked at Howard they then did something both of them hadn't done before but both have been dying too for so long.

"Come on Howard-pen we have to get to the other side of the city," Vince made his pen drag Howard's pencil towards the city

"But beware Vince-pen we must be careful not to get in the way of the evil-" Howard made his pencil shake off Vince's pen and made it do a dramatic pose

"Penguin-pen Brothers!" Vince interrupted

"Not the Penguin-pen Brothers!" Howard looked frightened

"The very same," Vince said gravely

"What are we going to do Vince-pen?"

"We will go on and hope we do not cross them," Vince said heroically Howard laughed. They did cross them and they defeated them by throwing cream at them

"Hahaha take that Penguin-pen Brothers," Howard said "You don't mess with a pen of action,"

"You're not a pen of action," Vince laughed

"Oh really? Would a pen of no action do this?" Howard scraped cream off the penguin brothers and threw it at Vince who gasped in shock

"You ball-bag," and ran to the kitchen to grab the whipped cream can

"What are you doing?" Howard asked cautiously

"This!" Vince shouted from behind Howard who turned and got cream in the face. Vince laughed at the top of his lungs, Howard raised his eyebrow in a you-think-you've-won?-ha!-foolish-child kinda way he wiped some of the cream off his face and rubbed it in to Vince's hair. In the end they were so covered in cream they started a Dairy! tribute act

And they all lived happily ever after

THE END


	7. Paint part 1

_Delays are an unusual beast and they tend to distract one from their line of work for example unwanted influences on my writing made me turn the characters of the Boosh into characters of Scrubs and Harry Potter. All I can really say is that I hope the following instalment makes up for delays. ANYWAY seriousness and apologies aside the following is supposedly based on the story of Hansel and Gretel it was either this or The Hobyahs which is a fantastical fairytale that no-ones ever heard of or Ol' Gregg getting preggers both were terrible. So err Welcome to our next tale and enjoy the show..._

Once upon a time...

"I don't like forests, I wanna go home can we go home?" Vince whined quite loudly

"No," Naboo said dejectedly. Howard and Vince went along to one of Bollo and Naboo's business trips which Naboo was not impressed with he regretted it from the second Vince found out he said Forestlands and not Fairyland. Vince had begged Howard to come with him

[FLASH-BACK FLASH-BACK ohoohohohoooh]

"Come on its Fairyland it'll be a right laugh," Vince said to the news papered covered man, that newspaper he read was so big he had to get Bollo to help him turn the pages.

"No," 

"Aw please?" Vince gave his special puppy dog eyes look that could melt a binder covered in frosting. Howard didn't even look up from his newspaper, although to be fair that wasn't really Howard's fault he hooked the top of the newspaper to the roof. He sighed this was time to pull out the big guns "It will be this year's favour," He heard a zipping noise and Howard popped his head out of the newspaper.

"What? Really? Are you sure?" The sacred yearly favour was something they invented in primary school. Vince had gotten into the habit of asking Howard to do everything for him and then claiming it as a favour, so Howard thought up the idea of they both get one favour from each other a year. It had worked fantastically and Vince treated it very very seriously, if Howard said that it would be a favour Vince would go to the ends of the earth to make it happen. Although his usual yearly favour was for Vince to stop talking about clothes during the sale season so the whole ends of the earth thing hasn't really happened yet.

"Howard its Fairyland it's the best place in the universe," Vince said in his most serious voice.

"Well if you say so,"

[BACK TO REALITY... kind of]

"This is possibly the worst place in the entire galaxy," Vince said when they finally arrived at Dennis' shabby old shack (that was in no way shape or form related to the shack in Call of The Yeti *eyes shift sheepishly across the room*). "Can I get my favour back?"

"Sorry no refunds without a receipt," Howard said and sniggered at Vince wandering into the shack mumbling something along the lines of anal bastard. Vince went to open the door when Naboo caught him.

"VINCE NOIR! DO NOT TOUCH THAT DOOR KNOB DO YOU HEAR ME?" Vince looked startled at the even littler man's uncharacteristic outburst.

"Why?" Howard said confused. Naboo sighed

"It's a shaman door can't you read the sign?" He pointed at a sign written in a strange hieroglyphics nailed onto the door. Howard and Vince stared at it for a few minutes

"No" Vince eventually said

"It says 'For Shaman use only if used by mortal beware xoxo smiley face exclamation mark'...I couldn't really read back home,"

"Beware what?" Howard asked

"Basically if you touch it without me putting the codes in first you'll turn into a Muppet and then disintegrate now go and help Bollo with the suitcases," Vince grumbled off to the back of the car with Howard following him

"How's Fairyland Vince?" Howard smiled at his friend's pain

"Shut up, I can't believe I used my favour for this, I've been saving it up all year," Vince looked miserable as he picked up a suitcase, not his he let Bollo do the really heavy lifting no he had Howard's who after last time decided the tweed utility suit wasn't the best idea.

"Saving it up? Saving it up for what? You always ask me for sweets, how was this year going to be any different from the last 20 something years?" Howard asked confused

"I wanted us to go on an adventure again," Vince whined

"But we do go on adventures, we went on one last month remember?" Howard said

"Yeah the fridge became vegan so what?" Vince said completely out of character

"So what? It threw all of our meat and dairy products," Howard said with a lot more energy than he's used to, Vince merely shrugged. "It melted the ice cream and you tried to freeze it again in the toaster because it had a snowflake on it but then the toaster went evil and started to go on a murderous rampage,"

"What happened next Howard?" Vince said darkly

"We... unplugged it and bought a new one..." Howard realised that maybe Vince had a point (oo-er)

"Exactly we never go on proper adventures like we used to, we went everywhere remember we went to a wild jungle where you met a rocker made of cheese, we went to the Arctic Tundra just because we felt like it we even went to another planet and look at us now, working in a shop and at a desolate cabin," Vince said

"Yes!" Howard did a victory arm pump and then quickly hid it by picking up a satchel that smelt of bananas.

"What?" Vince asked

"I can't tell you, I promised I wouldn't," Howard said mostly to himself

"Promised who?"

"Leroy I promised,"

"Great now you're keeping secrets from me as well," Vince started to walk off in a huff

"Oh please as if it's a secret,"

"What?" Vince sounded hurt

"Don't get all huffy about this and promise you won't tell Leroy but me him Naboo and Bollo are playing word bingo with the things you say," Howard admitted Vince gave a confused glance at Howard who explained "You have a tape recorder on your person recording everything you say and don't start looking for it you'll never find it it's well hidden. Anyway we each have a list of words that you will never say in a billion years and at the end of each week we listen to the tapes to see if you say one of our words and desolate is one of mine," Vince glared at him and tutted

"Who's winning?" He finally said

"Well Leroy was when you said serendipity but now we're tying which is great 'cause first prize is 10 grand! That's 20 years wages!"

"You've never said those many exclamation marks in a sentence in your life,"

"And you've never tutted in your life,"

"Is it the forests?"

"I think it's because of a bad writer," Howard dead panned (I will get even with him don't you worry)

"No it has to be these forests I'm getting a really bad vibe off em," Vince glanced around the forestlands

"Who are you? Psychic Dora?"

"I might be," Vince grinned

"Oi! You two are you coming in or what?" Naboo shouted from inside the shack Vince and Howard scurried in

"Wow!" Vince said when he looked around the shack Naboo had put fairy lights around the place and glittery toadstools for chairs at least we'll assume it was him who knows what Dennis gets up to. "Aw thanks Naboo! Bollo this way," He shouted at the poor ape who was carrying the entire contents of Vince's wardrobe on his back Bollo saw the flight of stairs he had to climb he groaned. Howard shouted after them

"Hey where are you going we haven't even got rooms yet," Vince sighed at the utter stupidity of that statement.

"Have you forgotten the holiday rule? I get the room with the most closet space for obvious reasons, Naboo gets the biggest room because of his cauldron, you get the most soundproof one so we don't have to listen to your jazz rubbish and Bollo gets whatever is left over because he's an ape he only needs a hammock." Vince explained

"How come you remember this but when I ask you when is your night to do the dishes you say you can't remember?" Howard raised an eyebrow at the man who looked a little shifty

"Err well I'm pretty sure it was either a Saturday or a Monday but Saturday night is snooker night and Monday night is Peacock Dreams night,"

"You don't play snooker,"

"No but Dice my pet rock does," Vince said and wandered off leaving Howard with the near impossible task of finding a soundproof room

p-p-e-e-e-f-x-x-x-x-x-x

After they settled themselves in Vince came out with a significant statement

"I'm bored," Of course no-one was listening Naboo was making potions, no really not drugs but actual potions from his home world. Bollo had found a dusty cookbook in his room/the cupboard near the stairs, and had decided that he was the next true Nigella except hairier and with a better apron (Bollo's was an old cape Vince made into an apron, of course Vince doesn't do anything that needs an apron so he gave it to Bollo) so was reading it on the sofa, the book not the apron. And Howard? He was sticking egg cartons to the walls of his room the only sound-proof room was the one with the big closet so take a wild guess who got it.

The glitter mushrooms had only amused Vince for so long; he had started to lose interest in this whole forest thing it wasn't like he was new to these situations of Vince Noir vs. The Forest. Hell that was basically his entire childhood which probably explains his love of the city, but now is not the time for explanations now is the time for Vince to be bored. Eventually Vince got off his mushroom and started to look around the shack, it was different from the other shacks they had been in, it was two storey for a start and it had electricity why it was called a shack was beyond explanation and just plain silly. He went into the kitchen for that was where he goes when he is bored not because he thinks anything is ever going to happen in the kitchen it's just a fairly interesting place to go with all the cupboards and draws. He glanced around the room that had more cupboards than sense and they were all white it hurt Vince's eyes a little to look at it. But Vince powered on and pick a cupboard at random and opened it to reveal... nothing he opened another... nada he opened cupboards for ages but not one interesting thing appeared, unless you count the fork. So by logical conclusion he decided that Naboo looked like he needed annoying. He sneaked into Naboo's room.

"Hey Naboo... Naboo. Naboolio?... Naboo... Naboo...Boo," That got his attention

"Don't you ever again call me Boo in your life," Naboo said slightly angrily not even looking up from the spell book he was reading.

"What are you doing?" Vince said glancing over Naboo's shoulder to catch a glimpse of what he was reading but Naboo was too quick for him and hid it from Vince's view.

"Buying a frying pan... what do you think I'm doing? Secret Shaman stuff that I always do whenever we go on a business trip," Naboo said exasperated Vince watched him for a moment and then replied

"Have you been making that sarcasm potion again?" Vince asked innocently

"No I have this cauldron in front of me because the toilets are blocked," Naboo gave Vince a death stare but sarcasm is wasted on Vince everyone who knows Vince knows that however Naboo being under the influence of a sarcasm potion had forgotten that.

"The toilets are blocked? I knew that this was called a shack for a reason,"

"Get out," Vince slowly backed away and then raced to Howard's room. Howard had just finished soundproofing his room and was listening to his jazz... stuff, he was quite content with himself more content then he's ever been in his life. Mainly because, and he didn't want to sound too mean but he didn't have to share a room with Vince don't get him wrong Vince is his best mate. But now he can listen to Jazz without Vince's allergies playing up, he can keep the room tidy for longer than a day and the best part of it all was he could get a decent night's sleep without Vince pretending Howard was a road and driving his toy cars all over him or using him as a rug and have a teddy bears picnic. Vince tended to do that it was because he got so buzzed off his own energy that he couldn't sleep properly sometimes so he either draws or invents a new game for him to play usually but not always involving Howard. So Howard had his own room, yes it had egg cartons all over it but it was his.

"Hey Howard" Vince said startling Howard who nearly fell off his bed he was lounging on. He turned down the jazz out of common courtesy for Vince.

"Yeah little man," it is a little known fact that Vince has a thing about his height which is why he wears those high-heeled boots all the time. So the very first time Howard used that nickname Vince wasn't sure if he knew Vince had a height thing and was taking the piss or if he was genuinely trying to be nice. It was hard to tell with Howard nearly incapable of showing emotion, Vince decided he was being nice but used to always wince a little when he heard the name. He has since grown to love it because it was his and Howard's thing, he was "Little man" and Howard was "Small Eyes" or "Colon Explorer" if Vince really wanted a giggle.

"I think Naboo's been making that sarcastic potion again," Vince said

"What makes you say that?"

"He told me off for calling him Boo," Vince looked at the ground when he said that, Howard thought for a second.

"Get your paints I know you brought them," Vince looked curiously at Howard but did what he was told when he came back Howard had put newspaper all over the floor

"What are you doing?"

"We are painting these egg cups if it's the last thing we ever do," Vince smiled and they got down to work. Even though the newspaper was down they still managed to make the biggest mess since Lord Messius made the legendary mess of 1880 that made him a lord. Vince decided he was in charge of design, of course Howard had a fit when he saw the plans eventually he convinced Vince that a Gary Numen shrine was a bit difficult to paint onto eggcups. So they decided on colouring each cup individually so in the end it looked like a picture. Vince spent 20 minutes writing down the colour of each egg cup onto the egg cup; Howard started to set up the paints except he wasn't really sure how so he sort of made it up as he went along. When they finally started painting it was... well let's just say if the big bomb from Japan was a paint bomb the mess left from that wouldn't be as messy as when Howard and Vince finished. They had a paint war halfway through over a comment said by Vince.

"I think I did this wrong," Vince said after staring at the wall for a minute or two.

"You what?" Howard said

"I dunno I mean take a good look at it so far and what does it look like to you?"

"Terrible," Howard said without missing a beat Vince didn't realise he was joking and crept up behind Howard with his paintbrush dripping with blue paint. He quickly painted all of Howard's neck, Howard gasped and turned around quickly, he accidently painted Vince's jeans as he turned.

"This means war!" Vince narrowed his eyes at Howard and grabbed the nearest paintbrush and threw it at Howard who ducked just in time but only for it to come around back to hit him on the head boomerang style. Ten minutes later they had both built a base out of furniture on each side of the room, Vince had put on his special military cap which he wore in these kinds of situations and was giving a pep talk to his paint tins. Howard was planning his attack using a sheet from his bed as paper and was telling his paint cans his plan.

"Alright so Jones, Smithton and Rodgers hang from the hooks I nailed into the ceiling while the enemy was getting suitable uniform and when I pull the string you attack meanwhile Arbalester and I sneak over to their bases and destroy it understood?... that's what I like to hear," Howard said to his troops and started to ready himself for battle. Meanwhile

"When we volunteered for this were we expecting such a big war? No... To be honest I was eating bootlaces when I was told I was going into battle, but remember the element of surprise is our friend in these wars and in these hard times we need a friend and a decent wardrobe more than anything in the world. So now as we face the final curtain we can remember that we did it our way. Ok. Are we ready men?... and Doris... That's what I thought LET'S GO GET 'EM!" Vince shouted at his battalion who merely glared at him.

Vince looked over his barracks with a telescope to see that the paint tins were right above him

"Arghh! The bombing has started! Everybody take cover!" He ducked under a chair as Howard pulled the string and paint fell all over Vince's soldiers. Vince screamed "DORIS!" and raced out to see his only female troop covered in red paint. He picked her up and cradled her in his arms "Oh Doris don't leave us! We need you Doris, come back please come back," He pleaded with the lifeless tin. Howard and his soldier leaped into the base to see the poor Lieutenant in tears

"We have you surrounded Noir the game is up for you," Howard said in his most evil voice

"Do what you want; you've taken Doris what more could you do to us?" Vince sobbed, Howard was about to comfort his weeping friend when Naboo barged in the room

"What the bloody hell is all this racket- What have you done?" Naboo looked around the room in horror

"Hi Naboo!" Vince said cheerily tossing Doris away. He didn't notice Naboo's anger Howard did though and was bracing himself for impact "We did a painting do you like it?"

"Did you not think to keep it on the canvas?" Naboo said Vince suddenly realised why Howard was looking guilty "How could you make such a big mess in twenty minutes? This isn't even our house this is Dennis' family home, he grew up here. He's going to kill us all individually with bread and butter knives,"

"No he won't," Vince mumbled, it was a blatant lie he knew exactly what Dennis was capable of, he had seen Lester.

"How could you be so stupid? Howard how could you let Vince do this you're meant to be the responsible one!" Naboo eyes were burning into Howard "This better been cleaned up by teatime or else," Naboo threatened the left the room and slammed the door behind him. Vince and Howard looked at each other; Howard had started to give himself the Chinese burn to help the stress.

"Howard! That's not going to help you now, anyway you need that arm for cleaning," Vince said

"I am NOT cleaning this by myself!" Howard glared at Vince who merely shrugged

"Never said you would," Vince wandered off leaving the distinct impression that he didn't need to say it. Howard sighed and started to dismantle their trenches.

f-f-e-b-r-d-c-a-e-fv-

Half an hour later Howard had put all the furniture back in place and was wondering how on earth he was going to clean all this by himself by teatime which, knowing Naboo and Bollo, could be anywhere between right now and 3 years from now. The door was suddenly thrown open by a golden Chelsea boot, Vince had returned with buckets filled with soapy water and sponges, customised washing up gloves and a very determined look on his face. Howard looked amazed at the man who was in front of him.

"Who are you and what have you done with Vince?" Howard joked Vince ignored him and narrowed his eyes

"Now is not the time for jokes, now is the time for cleaning up this painted hell-hole!" Vince said to Howard. Vince ruined the moment however by dragging the bucket to a chair covered in paint and then stared at the sponge thingy for a moment. He picked it up and put on the chair and waited for it to do its thing. He flicked it when it did nothing he turned to Howard "Is this thing on?"

"It's not a microphone Vince," Vince sighed at the bad joke, was it even a joke? "It's not electrical Vince you have to scrub it yourself," Vince still looked confused "it's like a toothbrush for the chair,"

"O-kay..." Vince said suspicious of this, but slowly started to scrub the chair. He started to see the paint come off "Howard! Look at this,"

"Yeah that's what happens when you clean," Vince was getting into it he made that chair so clean you could eat off it (I wouldn't if I were you though especially if it's soup).

o—y-g-d-g-h

Every single piece of furniture was cleaned; every single bit was back to its original state thanks to Howard and Vince's dedication. All the furniture was in a clump on one side of the room and Howard and Vince were in a clump on the other.

"That was well hard," Vince wiped the sweat off his forehead "I don't know how you do it Howard,"

"I do it with hard work and dedication sir! Something you Vince Noir would know er something about now that you helped me clean." Howard was still coming to terms with Vince Noir's new identity as a cleaner, when Naboo exercised his new favourite activity for the day barging into a room uninvited.

"Right tea's ready so this better be tidied," Naboo said he started to analyse the room Vince and Howard looked very proud of their efforts. Naboo started looking at every individual detail nothing went unmissed (double negative tricky) well he was about to when something stopped him in his tracks "Why is this carpet wet?"

'Well that's how you clean chairs Naboo you have to wash them with warm soapy water," Howard said cautiously.

"Did you even think to put down newspaper? The carpets wet, there is paint all over the walls and why the hell is the furniture in the corner? You know what I don't care any more, really I don't. I'm not even going to turn my back, I'm sick of being your mother, I'm sick of having to watch you two 24/7 in case something goes wrong which by the way it always does. And do you know what I'm sick of the most?" By this stage Howard and Vince had their heads down in a deep pit of shame Vince bravely shook his head "I'm sick of you," Naboo pointed at Vince "And I'm sick of you," He pointed at Howard "Now get out of my sight," They both hurried off.

"Do you think he meant that?" Vince asked quietly after they were both safe in Vince's room. There was a long pause, what just happened was slowly sinking into the two boys brains.

"No," Howard said finally after clearly thinking about it "He couldn't have meant it, it was the potion talking,"

"Right potion of course," Vince convinced himself

o-od—v-d-c- -f-f-v-f

"I want them out before the council get here for the weekend," Naboo said to Bollo who was cooking up a storm in the kitchen, literally he had found a recipe for storm in a teacup but he was struggling with making the teacup.

"Why?" Bollo asked

"They destroyed Dennis' room," Bollo looked up from his saucepan and stared at Naboo

"They dead,"

"I know I need them out so I can calm Dennis down or something. So you make them leave and not come back for a while got that?" Naboo asked Bollo who grinned an awful grin "Don't kill them because I wanna do that when they get back on Monday," Naboo said and Bollo's grin disappeared from sight.

"Not even little bit?"

"No," Bollo's face lit up "And destroying them mentally classes as killing them," Bollo sighed and shuffled off.

Fort-de-France (that counts as a break by the way)

Bollo entered Vince's room to find the two boys playing Scrabble but this was no ordinary Scrabble this was Man's Scrabble. They would throw letters onto the board in the hope they would end up making the most macho words of all time (they didn't they usually ended up with flower or ballet or on one occasion vulva that was a funny night that one), the game always ended with either one of them starting a fight over scoring or one of them throwing the board across the board in protest (they also ended Monopoly in a similar manner). They invented Man's Scrabble in high school when Vince was quite depressed about some bullies and Howard was desperate to cheer him up so he said a random statement along the lines of imagine how those tit boxes play Scrabble and they took it from there.

"Hi Bollo!" Vince grunted and posed in a manly fashion. Howard fell to the floor laughing, Vince grinned at Bollo "What are you doing?"

"We go for walk in woods," Bollo didn't know what he was doing but he had the idea that if he lost them in the woods they probably won't be back for a little while.

"Alright! Let's go!" Vince raced out of the room Bollo followed; Howard sighed and started to clean up Scrabble. Vince suddenly put his head round the door and gestured for Howard to go with them Howard gave him a confused look. Vince sighed "Come on Howard," he grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room.


End file.
